


Strange Visitors

by twriting



Category: Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Female Clark Kent, Fluff without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22444999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twriting/pseuds/twriting
Summary: Superwoman did ask the senate committee if they could reschedule her questioning. It's not her fault they picked the most likely day for Mxyzptlk to reappear.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Strange Visitors

"For the record, what exactly is your name?"

"Kala Jor-El, faon ma Jor-El pa Lara-Lor-Van-laom-El. Child of Great Star and Star-Wed Light of Waxing Moon."

"Not 'Superwoman'?" The senator leans forward, hands steepled in front of him, shoulders set in a way that he has practiced a great deal. Not a judgemental pose, certainly, but a pose of deep skepticism and the possibility of judgement. It plays well on screen.

The assembled House Committee members sit in... Not judgement yet. But in poses that promise the possibility thereof. The head of the committee has practiced for a week.

"No. I've never asked anyone to call me that." Seated before the members, Kala Jor-El's posture is far less practiced. She sits back straight, one arm forward on the table, cape draped around her shoulders and over her outstretched arm to keep it out of the way. Three senators are uncomfortably aware that this will play better on screen than their own poses. "Before the media took it up, rescue and emergency workers were using it among themselves to describe me. I'm uncomfortable with it."

The committee head adjusts her shoulders. "This committee will go with 'Superwoman' for the time being, since it is the name you are best known by."

Watching the cameras from the corners of her vision, the committee head begins the senate's line of questioning. Rote questions. Name, place of birth, a few questions to clarify translations of terms, and time of residence on Earth.

"I arrived in my new home roughly five years ago. My first intervention in terrestrial affairs was to deal with the criminal calling himself 'Ultra-Humanite'. But since then I've spent most of my time studying Earth's society and laws."

"Are you claiming responsibility for taking down - "

Coming from seemingly nowhere at all and everywhere at once, a rasping, grating voice like a parrot imitating an inebriated woman with a sore throat cuts through the chamber. " _Hiiiiiiiiii Kala! I'm baaaaack!_ "

"Oh no."

"Superwoman, what is - That?!"

Something pops through a hole that isn't there and an orange and purple unshape twists itself inside around. A tiny white-haired woman with skin an uncomfortably wrong shade of pink pops out of existence, posing and smiling for the audience. She wears an orange and purple tuxedo and a matching derby hat. Her eyes are pitch black and her ears are pointy and she is upside down.

" _Hellloooo_ you beautiful low-resolution meat-things! Did you miss Mama Mxyzptlk?"

"No." Superwoman's voice is flat. "No one missed you. You can go home now."

Armed guards surround the pair, pistols not exactly trained on either of the women but clearly ready. Other guards move to protect the watching senators.

"Sooo," the parrot-voiced tiny woman says. "Should I point out the obvious metaphor of the guns?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Around the room firearms shift from metal to flesh. Cold, salty, squirming flesh. Former pistols are quickly dropped as highly trained guards react like children afraid of cooties.

Superwoman turns to the assembled senators, who are staring aghast at the sea cucumbers writhing on the ground. "Senators. This is the reason I asked to reschedule. Meet Ms Pixiesticks."

The woman huffs and turns her nose up. "It is pronounced Mxyzptlk and you know it."

The little creature flicks forward - not flying exactly, but flickering through the air like frames of reality are missing. The entity Mxyzptlk jams her fingers into the corners of Superwoman's mouth and pulls the scowling woman's lips into an upturned snarl. Facing the committee Mxyzptlk matches Superwoman's grimace with one of her own, one that stretches too far past the boundaries of her face and shows more crooked teeth than an entire set of orthodontic displays. "See? We're friends! She's happy to see me!"

"Ge' y' f'ng'rs ou' o' 'y 'th."

"You'll have to stop mumbling, Kala. I'm an entertainer, not a dentist."

Seeing no immediate danger to herself the committee head steps around her guard and leans to her microphone. "Explain this."

The imp takes her fingers out of Superwoman's mouth and shakes her fingers, spraying more spittle any mouth could possibly have produced. Superwoman's expression is no more than resigned as the spray coats her clothes. "Okay sure. So McGurk - Have you met McGurk? Swell guy, real smooth dancer - "

Superwoman makes an impatient chopping motion with her hand. "She's a sorceress from the Sixth Dimension and I am aware that makes no sense. Just think of her as a very powerful space-brat."

" _Space?_ " The imp squawks, clearly offended. "No no no, I'm from a higher order of reality, two dimensions more complex than you. The Fifth Dimension. You're all just drawings on a flat piece of paper to me."

"Which does not make any sense. We're already four-dimensional here, so you can't be two dimensions more complex but only be from the Fifth Dimension."

"It's not my fault your physics can't handle polyfractal straight curves."

"Superwoman, what _isshmrmfl?!_ " The speaker's words are abruptly cut off by what looks suspiciously like a mouth full of old chewing tobacco.

Ignoring the retching sounds from the senator Mxyzptlk turns to Superwoman, who is drying herself with her heat vision.

"Superwoman, huh? I like it! It's snappy! Mxyzptlk versus Superwoman, Dawn of Hilarity! And speaking of, Supes - " the audience for the hearing is replaced by a crowd of barking, clapping seals. "The King-Thing demands fresh humour! We must entertain them!"

The audience of seals reverts to humans. Humans in clown suits and makeup. Mxyzptlk strikes a dramatic pose before them, arms wide. " _Ta-daaaah!_ "

Confused clowns stare at the imp. She lowers her arms. " _Sheeeesh_. Tough crowd."

"What - " Trying to keep some illusion of stability, the committee lowers her voice from a shout. "What did you do to those people? What are you doing here?"

Mxyzptlk turns to Superwoman. She looks at the committee. "Didn't she explain the rules? Well, it's easy. Superwoman is my playtoy and now is my time to have fun. I don't know why you're having trouble following this." The woman-thing shrugs. "Hey, be glad it's me and not that twerp Vyndktvx again. His sense of humour is a little too abstract for simple forms like yourselves to get. Or survive."

"Vindictivix?"

"No no, too many vowels. Vyndktvx. Loser wanted my job, so you're lucky his sense of ha-ha didn't work with my boss the King-Thing. I cleaned up most of Vyndktvx's distortions, but _whooooh boy_ he left a mess. Look at this guy here - " She jabs a thumb in the direction of Superwoman. "Should be a lot less cute and about six years older. So Supes, the whole Fifth Dimension wants to know, how _are_ you and Batsy getting along these days?"

The world waits as Superwoman grits her teeth and glares bloody murder at a three foot tall transdimensional imp. "We're _friends_."

Watching the hearings on TV, the entire population of Arkham's high-security ward flinches and exchanges worried glances.

"Some of the changes are good though. I can work with them." The frames of reality flicker again and Mxyzptlk leans against a steel pole. Her purple and orange suit shrinks to a few straps over a scrawny frame with prominent ribs and bony hips. Lights flash and music pounds. "In most realities, nobody wants to see me do this." Mxyzptlk is limber in ways that induce deep discomfort in anything not made of jello.

"Name one reality where anyone wants to see you at all."

Upside down and twisted through the pole, Mxyzptlk holds her hands to her heart. "It _wounds_ me when you pretend we're not friends."

"Nothing wounds you. I've tried."

Reality flickers and Mxyzptlk is back in her suit, pole nowhere to be seen. "Hey, remember when you lured me in front of that high-energy particle beam? Whatever happened to the two of us having fun like that? I miss those old times."

"I'm a little busy for nostalgia right now." Superwoman gestures towards the senators. "Ms Pixiesticks, can this wait until I'm done with these people?"

"Mxyzptlk. Oh fiddlemongers no, audiences are fickle. If I don't keep the people back home happy the King-Thing will fire me. And in my line of work, the unemployed get the voidoid. So I am here to talk about the rules for our new game."

"Superwoman, Miss Pixelsticks - "

"It's really rude how these people keep interrupting. Maybe I should turn them into tomatoes."

"You've done that before."

"And it was a classic moment, remembered fondly by all but the salsa'ed. But you're right, I don't want my act getting stale. Unlike that salsa. I can't believe no one ate it."

"Of course no one ate it. You put pineapple and celery in it."

A senator slams his hand on his desk. "Miss Pixelsticks - "

" _Ex_ -cuse me you are interrupting. My friend and I need to talk."

The room shifts. Gone are the senators, the witnesses, the guards. In their places are little platters of rice, fish, and occasional bits of chilled vegetable. With sides of ginger and wasabi.

Superwoman pinches the bridge of her nose. "Is that sashimi?"

"Well we were talking about tomatoes and I just decided to run with the theme. Whaddaya think?"

"It's a little repetitive."

The imp drops her shoulders and groans. "Really? I did fruit _once_ and now every food-related trick is the same to you? _Ugh_ , fine. Everyone's a critic."

The people transform back to their more usual beings, although in a slightly more confused state than before. A few sniff cautiously at themselves, as though checking for residual sushiness.

Superwoman takes a slow deep breath. "I'm sorry Ms Pixiesticks but this isn't a good - "

"Mxyzptlk."

"This isn't a good time for games, Mix-yes-spit-lick."

"You're doing it on purpose and that's just hurtful. Now, let's talk fun and games."

Superwoman draws an angry breath. "First of all, _no_. You come up with so-called new rules every time, but the only one that ever sticks is the one about your name. And for the record, your stupid rules never even make sense. They make less sense than that whole sixth dimension business."

"Fifth Dimension."

Superwoman points at Mxyzptlk and glares. "No! Scientifically speaking that is _completely_ unacceptable. I am aware that the temporal dimension appears functionally different from other physical dimensions, but that is purely a matter of entropic forces - " Superwoman's complaint rapidly descends into arm waving and maths.

The imp Mxyzptlk shakes her head and smiles fondly. She looks at the committee as she gestures to the ranting Superwoman. "She's beautiful when she's angry."

The senators seem to disagree, ducking for cover under their desks while Superwoman continues her angry rant. "No matter _how_ many times you say it, I will _not_ accept that you are the witch Ms Pixiesticks from the Twenty-Fourth-and-a-Half Dimension! It's _ludicrous!_ "

"The sorceress Mxyzptlk from the Fifth Dimension."

"And saying it _again_ for the record, not that it ever does any good because you _never_ listen, it should be pronounced kulp-ti-mix-im, _not_ kill-tips-eye-zim!"

"It is Kltpzyxm and you ooooh darn." The imp suddenly spins inward, then seems to recede quickly towards Superwoman and vanishes in a puff of light.

" _Well played_ ," squawks the voice as the light fades.

"Thanks. Good game."

Clown suits vanish. Twitching sea cucmbers revert to guns. A subtle sense of sashimi fades from the room.

The chamber is silent. Superwoman checks her clothes for residual spittle as senators crawl out from under their improvised shelter. "Is it gone?"

"Yes. At least for the next three months."

"You've dealt with that thing before?"

Sitting, Superwoman sqaures her chair in front of the table. "Yes. She's just a thing that happens. Mxyzptlk has been visiting from the Fifth Dimension for a few years now. Whenever she causes serious trouble things always return to normal after I trick her into saying Kltpzyxm."

"You do know how to pronounce it."

Superwoman sighs. "Practice. Lots of practice."

"Is this a regular occurrence?"

"Well, once she's gone she can't return for another ninety days. I'm not certain if that's a rule, or a side effect of how those extra two dimensions intersect with our own. But we do have time to continue with your questions."

A side door opens near the committee and people in suits emerge to speak with the senators. Aides step forward to whisper into senatorial ears. Notes are passed. The committee head speaks. "Superwoman, do you know an individual by the name of - " She reads carefully from the handout in front of her. "'Vartox of Valeron'?"

There is a note of worry in Superwoman's voice as she replies "No. Now what?"

"He's hovering above Metropolis at the moment, demanding that you step forward and meet your mate."

"Pardon?"

**Author's Note:**

> Two lines of dialogue here are from Power Girl #7, Vartox's reintroduction to modern DC comics.
> 
> "Should I point out the obvious metaphor of the gun?"  
> "I'd rather you didn't."
> 
> Vartox is an absolutely terrible character and I love him. He's like a Silver Age knock-off of Superman, one of those alien champions with powers almost but not quiet as good as Superman's, but was introduced in the Bronze Age and designed to look like Sean Connery in a leather jock strap. After being ignored for decades he returned, absolutely dripping with disco era cheesiness, to annoy Power Girl. He has also apparently made an appearance in the Supergirl show but I haven't seen those episodes so I can't say anything about that.


End file.
